Finding the Pain

I knew I hurt.  I did not have time to check it out.  I did not have time to think.  Ever since I inadvertantly took wheat and dairy out of my diet on the first day of Lent, I have been trying to figure out what is going on with me and why I hurt.  Well, I don't have joint pain and I can breathe.  I wonder how long it's been that I had not been breathing with my full capacity.  Now, I have narrowed the next pain to lower back and neck pain.  It's no wonder I took a stress quiz this morning and tested out at 348.  After 300, the quiz makers stated, you would expect real heath concerns unless one removes the stressers. Oh gee, why didn't I think of that?  I will be taking myself to a chiropractor and MD to check it out.  I know my stress lives in my neck and lower back.  I did not expect to be looking at this stuff.  I expected to move through it to the next stage.  Looks like I was mistaken.   What a Lent this has been!  Sometimes, I feel like I'm clutching at something to steady myself.  Today, I have no soft words.  I feel a lot of pain.

Fasting and Love

I look forward to Lent,  the time the Church sets aside for us to fast and pracise the Gospel more intently. Fasting is not about losing weight, feeling good and getting healthy.  It is not about how hard or strict you are with the prescribed fast.  We fast to let go of what binds us and turn toward Life, Love, Truth.  We do this through fasting, prayer and alms giving.  We do this by letting go of our self centered existence and loving those around us.  My dear friend in Seminary was translating Maximos the Confessor. (She found out why people don`t like to do that.  I hear his Greek is very complicated.)  She came into my room one day and told me that Maximos the Confessor said that the Love a person has for God is the same Love a person has for his brother.  She was blown away by this.  I have become blown away by this as the years go by.  If we do not love our brother, how can we say we love our God?  How can we say that we love God, but allow his child to go naked? Even the monk sitting in his cell does not pray for himself, but for the whole world.  Prayer is an act of love. We are not meant to be solitary beings.  We are connected to those in our community even if we don't like it.  Lent gives us the chance to remind ourselves of what we are not doing for the sake of the Gospel and lets us act accordingly.  Fasting helps to remind us of the necessary thing - to love.  Let us let go of our selfcenteredness, love our brother and live as we are meant to live. Let us love.

Update and Such

I went to the doctor today.  She is a fine doctor and I trust her.  She is of the opinion that my symptoms might be more related to dairy than wheat.  I could have a blood test for celiac disease, but the doctor is of the opinion that if it is wheat, the test would not be able to confirm it since it tests for symptoms relating to the stomach, which I don't have.  It it Lent, so really, I am going to be eliminating wheat.  I will have testing for environmental allergies on June first.  Stay tuned. 

Yesterday, I drove back to Canada with a sick child and dog.  I lost count on the times my little one threw-up, but we made it back.  At one point I stopped for paper towels and hand sanitizer.  I begged for a trash bag from the young man at the gas bar.  The towels made a nice "nest" for the future times he was sick, and it made for faster clean up.  I think I shall always travel with paper towels and a trash bad.  My dog will not go on long trips again unless he has drugs.

Wheat Allergy

I'm sad.  I have noticed that I might and probably am allergic to wheat.  I have a reaction to even a small amount.  On my drive to see my mom, I noticed that I was so sleepy.  Then I noticed that my nose was stuffy and that my lungs were not taking in as much breath as they should.  I have suspected this for a week, but wheat is in everything and I don't know what to do.  When I get back, I will go see my doctor and keep antihistamines with me at all times.  My joints don't hurt since I have begun to rid myself of wheat.  Twenty four years ago, I had to learn what foods had refined sugar by reading labels.  The process of reading everything was so long and difficult, but in the end I learned what I could and could not eat.  It's second nature to me now. For those who don't know me well, sugar makes me sick.  I get head aches and my stomach hurts.  It's not pleasant.  I find myself whining these days:   "Wheat is in everything!!!!!!",  "Why me?!",  "Why Wheat?!", "It's not fair".  On the other hand, I do like to breathe and I do like to move.  (Grump, grump, grump)  I am working my way to acceptance soon.  I just don't want it to be true.  I behave as though it is, and maybe I can get to true acceptance sooner.

Thoughts on Rhetoric

I have a sense that we have forgotten how to speak to one another and I am so saddened by it.  I hear rhetoric that just makes me so sad.  When I was a child I was always taught to state my position clearly without resorting to straw men arguments or foul language.  Quite frankly, I think we have lost the idea of foul language, and that makes me weep.  Sure, I would say that expletives happen and even have a correct context in which to be used, but I believe the words we use form us and our minds.  Words are creative and powerful things that bring to life worlds and cultures.  I have been taught that from my mother's knee. The words you use show who you are.  I teach my boys that.  People will judge you on how you speak and write.  Be clear.  How have we come to use angry words, foul words to each other in hopes of what?  To change some one's mind?!?!  I do not respond to that very well.  In fact, I am right turned off.  I am attracted to, and always have been, well thought out witty arguments.  I like them pithy and funny.  I like an argument to be given in it's essence.  Every group of humans have a collection of people you might not want to have on their side, but too bad. The other side, are not Nazi's.  Everyone thinks the other side are filled with goose stepping Nazi's. They aren't.  My parents would call that making a straw man.  You don't go deep enough into the other perspective if you easily dismiss their point of view. In fact, my grandfather would say that in an argument you should be able to reach one point that you both agree on, and then work your way from that point. My father would say, "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still."  You can't change some one's mind by yelling or name calling. That just puts the person on the defensive.  You can't work with that.  The most powerful life changing people in the world were nonviolent, peaceful, and defiant. We are all the same, you and I even if we don't like it.  Can't escape that.  It's just one of those things.  Peace to you all.  Be kind out there.  Speak the truth.  Love deeply.

Christ is Risen

These are Mama's Eggs from 2009

The Church is wise to lead us into Great Lent gently.  In the West, I always thought it was so abrupt, stark.  In the East, we enter slowly, preparing our selves for The Fast weeks before hand by dietary changes and through hymns and prayers.  By the time we get to the beginning of Great Lent, we all know what is coming and we have thought about what we are going to do to strengthen our love of God and our brother.  We enter Great Lent with Forgiveness Sunday Vespers.  I love this service.  At the close of the service the priest begins the ritual of forgiving.  Each of us goes to our brothers in Christ (priest included) and asks each for forgiveness.  The Orthodox have what might be explained as the butterfly effect of view of sin.  I might offend someone personally, but that does not encompass all of sin.  I might consume more than what I need, and make it more difficult for my brother to get what he needs. My actions pollute the world.  This is why we don't say, "If I have offended you, forgive me."  We say, "Forgive me a sinner."  We even are to think of ourselves as The Sinner.  This is what attracted me to the Church.  I am not to judge anyone because I have not loved my brother as Christ loves us.  How can I judge anyone?  I can't even love my own brother.  So as not to leave us in despair , we sing the Pascal Cannon as a telos. I don't like to use Greek, but target and goal are not what I want to say.  Pascha is the already, but not yet.  It is the point to which we look for hope.  It is the end and the beginning.  It is our point of departure and our destination.  At Seminary, my friend and I would stay to almost the end singing the Cannon because we both loved to sing those hymns and then we would go around the church together asking for forgiveness.  The final words of the service are, "Christ is risen!"  The church reminds us of the Light of the Resurrection even as we enter the race of Lent.  In the services of Great Lent we double the Alleluias.We are given joy to strengthen us.   She is so wise to us, comforts us and nurtures us.  I wish all a good and fruitful Lent.  Chris is risen!

Sorting Through Mama's House

I've been going through my mother-in-law's house.  I have always called her Mama.  Every time I pick up her things I remember that she is not here.  I find unusual objects like the heart shaped melon baller and say. "Oh, Mama what were you thinking?"  She just bought new dishes just before she went into the hospital.  She packed up her old ones for me, but died before she could tell me.  There were more important things to talk about at the time, and her plates, which would normally be a great topic of discussion, were never mentioned.  She had a set of dishes just for outdoor use which she never used. I have never seen them before  I am giving them to a dear friend of mine to  spread her love around a bit.  I found her children's baptismal garments, all tucked away in a box with a graphic dating from the 1960s of the Theotokos and tied with a blue bow.  Mama had dolls.  She never struck me as a doll type woman, but she had dolls in her bedroom and I know she loved them.  She kept one of Tata's suits  and a pair dress shoes in her closet.  In the basement I she kept his lunch box.  That made me cry.  There appears to be jewelry missing.  I hate that.  It makes me ill.  The worst part is walking in her door, smelling her scent and knowing she won't be there.  We did not have a close friendship, but we loved each other very much.  I can't believe I have to raise my boys without her. When she died she had four frozen chickens to make chicken soup for the boys.  They loved her so much, and I know she was crazy about them.  It seems so cruel.  Soon we must pack what we want, sell or donate the rest and leave that house behind.  We take her love with us.  That is the hard part of death, the losing of the person physically.  We are physical creatures and we know each other through our senses. It's such a shock to lose that connection.  I don't recommend it, but that is the way of things.  We must forge on and live and part of living right now for me is grieving her.  Love you, Mama!