Death

Death.  As my sister said last week to me, "My heart is set on permanent heartbreak."  My often difficult, but always generous of heart mother-in-law died a death that was terrible and heartbreaking to watch.  She died because she had nothing to fight with against what assailed her and I hated watching the fast progression towards her leaving this life. 

Her name meant fortress, and she was one.  She had many tragedies in her life, and yet she pressed on looking and hoping for peace and joy.  Maybe she did not know what it was when she had it, but she always knew that was what she wanted.  She loved the fantastic and beautiful and was always proud of her looks and how she dressed.  My Mother-in-law was fierce as as lion and gentle as a lamb.  I must say that is a rare combination in people.  She did not like me in her kitchen.  I don't blame her.  I let precious few aid me while I cook, but I do not know some of the recipes she made that were cultural.  I will learn them from her friend who was from the same area off Serbia. 

All of this a nightmare to me.  I never expected her to leave this world so soon as she was the youngest of the grandparents.  I look out at my life without her and wonder how I will be able to keep the cultural connections I was still hoping to learn from her.  How can I serve the Slava? (Slava is the family feast day marking the day the family converted to Christianity. It is particular to Serbs.)  I feel totally inadequate to take the role as the matriarch  How can I be that?  I don't know how to do that!  I don't feel like I learned enough from her to do any of this. 

May her memory be eternal.