My Creative Journey to Now

Four years ago, I was stressed out.  Ok, I'm still stressed out, but now I can find happiness.   Four years ago, my father  just had his first brain surgery and I had a six month old baby and a three year old to care for.  I was stressed and I felt like I was not living my life fully.  I had talents I wanted to use, but I was not doing it.  It's hard work being a mother of small boys.  It's the best work I have ever done, but I needed to have time for my own work.  Work that was just about me.  I realized what was missing was my need to create.  Strangely enough I thought I needed photography. I had enjoyed photography in college, but  loved clay.  From that moment, I began to move toward acquiring the things needed to make art.  In a few months, I found a program that taught people how to have their own business and paid them for several months to do that so that they could become self sufficient. For many reasons my ceramic studio did not take off.  I make beautiful ceramic pieces and I still have stock. What learned through that part of the journey is that as a mother, I can't work as a ceramic artist.  I can't devote that time to ceramics and still have time to raise my boys.  What I do now is photography.  I keep learning that the small clear voice we hear in the time of quiet has the right idea. Whatever camera I have with me when I am out with boys become my creative tool.  It's not necessarily the camera, but the eye behind it that creates the image. This image is from my new phone. My blog allows me to write.  I have written since I was six years old.  I have never liked academic writing, but I love to write what is on my mind.  I thank God that I live in a time where I can have a blog. I publish my work, even if it's on a small scale and my audience is limited-it does not matter.  I am living a full life.

August Without My Sweetheart

It's August and that means we have many important dates to celebrate.  I hate being so far from the man I love especially in August, a month filled with anniversaries and birthdays.  David and I started officially dating in August, although we were close friends for a long time and many at seminary thought we were dating long before August.  We celebrate the day we became a couple.  I have never looked back. This year it marks sixteen years together.  He hasever been my companion, one I would always choose to take with me on any and all journeys difficult or otherwise.  He makes me laugh.  Perhaps that is one of the most important qualities I have looked for in a mate.  He has made me laugh in some of the most difficult times we have shared together.  Even when we fight, and yes, we do fight for we are a fiery couple, I never have thought "This is the end."  I know we are just clearing the air.  I feel safe and alive with him.  He is a strong man and a man with vision.  I would choose no other man to be with me through life.  The last day of August will mark our fourteenth wedding anniversary and I expect him to be with me.  He might miss the opening of the month, and maybe my birthday, but I hope to have him with me on that date.

Home Again

So, I am home again.  It's odd what things I have missed.  The first week back, I turned on a classic rock station and my heart sang.  I was hearing good music without government interference.  Hard to explain unless you have ever lived under "Can Con" or Canadian Content where it is the law to have a certain percentage of Canadian Content played.  I believe it's 60%.   At any rate, it hinders free expression and choice.  I have never liked it.  Here, I talk to folks in the grocery store, and my sons asks who these people are.  In Ontario, people don't do that.  I know in other parts of Canada they do.  I also know when I moved to Ontario I had to learn fast that people don't talk to each other.  They keep their own space.  It's different in the US.  I like that about The States.  I feel cozy like were are all in this together. I like the spirit of America where everyone's ideas are important even if you don't agree.  I know in recent years we have become polarized and  I hope this changes.  I hope we can remember that everyone has a right to his or her opinion and that they are not stupid, but they hold different values on different aspects to an issue.  We have had many before us who have fought and died so that we can think and live freely.  Let us remember that.  We have no right to freedom, but it is a gift given to us by our those who came before us and it is our duty to live so that our children can know the same freedom we have enjoyed.  

Letting Go

I have been steeped in purging this house and preparing to leave Hamilton for about three weeks now.  I has not been everyday, but we have put in a lot of work.  I have a friend here who loves to give to those in need and dreams of her own store of sorts where folks in need can just show up and get what they need.  Much is going to here.  I have had bags and bags of donations and recycle material go out our door for days on end.  It feels good.

I have had time to think of why it is that my living area is not what I would have hoped for.  Clearly when we moved in, we should have created a home, where we planed on leaving as soon as possible so we did not fix what we would have. Don't get me wrong.  We fixed a lot about this house when we moved in, but we never thought of it as the place we would live in for thirteen years.  That makes a difference.  My dad and I would talk about the importance of beginnings, and it would have probably been less stressful if I had heeded his wisdom.

On the other hand, I have always hung on to things and these last few weeks, I have let go of so much.  I kept hearing Fr. Thomas Hopko's words to me that even if it's a thread that binds us, we are still bound and not free.  I feel free now.  The other aspect of the letting go is something I never though of before.  I think I worried that letting go of certain material things would be letting go of me or my story.  Not so.  I have learned that the stories live in me and not in the material things I have.  In fact, I am more "me" without them.  I am happier without them. 

I am so peaceful now.  I am preparing to come home.  I want this beginning  to free me and allow me to live the life I wish, surrounded by my friends and family.  I ran away nearly twenty years ago to seek a great adventure in seminary.  I got a great one.  Even the hardships of these last seven years are gold and treasure to me.  They may have been painful, but the lessons I learned were precious and I have a clearer understanding of things.  I am so grateful for those I have met on this part of my life journey. Those people who I have met and who I love have been a refuge for me and my family these last seven years and I only regret I could have been better friends to them.  I love you, and you will always have a sweet spot in my heart for you have been kind to me when I had very little to give.  Thank you.

Freedom- Eyes Forward

The professional organizer came today.  I am so happy.  For those of you who know and love me, know that organization of a domestic space is not my strength.  This woman put me at ease and since I am a very willing participant, I think this will be one of the best things that I have ever done for myself.  I think once I start a new domestic space, I will call in help as well.  It may be one of those lifetime things that I might just need to do once a year.  I might need to have a professional come through and help me make it right.  This afternoon it's the baby clothes.  Dad died when my little one was eighteen months old, but had his first surgery when my little one was only five moths old.  I bagged them up and put them in the attic.  Today I will look at them again, and sort through them.  There are many things in this house like that.  Things that would have been best dealt with sooner, but just never were,  I move forward, not back, and I think I should forgive myself for not being perfect and allow myself peace even if I am not perfect.  That might just be a good deal and I think I should take it.

As I Begin to Pack

I've resisted writing for so long since all I am feeling and thinking about seems to me to be whining, and I hate whining.  I suppose it stands to reason that as I start to pack up this life, sift through the stuff I have that little resentments and regret would come to the surface.  Let's be clear, I never intended to live in Canada forever.  That was my first mistake.  I never created a home.  We have a place to sleep and generally live, but not a home as I would have liked to have made.  That comes from me not thinking it mattered since I was not going to live here for long let alone raise children in this house.  We picked this house for David and me to live in with a dog.  That worked. Kind of worked.  The fact that I never felt at home here, never felt right or that I fit in ever helped me.  If you call it vibrations or the culture or whatever, I never felt like I was right for the place I found myself in.  Mind you, I have always known that my home was where David was.  I have always wanted to live where he was and that has been Canada for the last thirteen years.  Now, I get to go home.  I left in 1992 for seminary with the intention to return in two years.  That did not happen.  I met David my second year and we became friends in my third year.  I love him.  Now, I get to go home and be with my people, my family and friends.  I get to return to the diocese that helped in part pay for my seminary and that feels so right.  My children get to know their family, of the water, body and heart.  I teach my children that we have three types of people in our family those that we are related to of the body, those through baptism, and those we love that come into the family.  We have many such people where we are headed and it feels to right.  I have learned much in Canada, and God has sent me people to love and share my life with.  I am grateful for each and everyone of you.  I count you as my family and I love you with my heart knowing you are gifts to me from God. Without you, I do not know how I would have fared here.  Your have been oasisis in this desert crossing, point of light in this very dark journey.  David and I have been through major life changes and not always the easiest starting with his father's death in 2004.  I see light and I want it so badly.  The trick is to not let those past hurts and wounds get in the way or tie me to them and keep me from moving forwards.  I hope this has not been whiny.  I know the treasures I will take with me is the love of friendship people along the way have shown me even when I have not been able to be a good friend in return.  Thank you.

A Few Thoughts

Felt like writing again.  Sometimes it helps me to focus and figure out what's going one.  I have started to clean out the house, and I know I will be calling on the friends who helped me with the other house to get it done.  I look around and think about what is worth taking with me.  I have had to have these thoughts before, but now I actually have to enact it.  Precious few things will make it back to the US.  Books, some clothing, and important family pieces will come with us.  What about this pink Formica table I love so dearly.  I don't think the legs come off.  It's amazing what you keep in 13 years.  I think that if there is more trouble in the world, I want to be surrounded by my family.  It's hard to eek out a life in trouble times alone.  I can't wait to be able to attend church with my sister and her family. I will get more chances to sing with her.   So much to look forward to, and so much to get done beforehand.  Onward!